The Real "Menace" is Boredom

© Dale Franks, 1999

I went and saw "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" last night.  It was OK, and I might even go to see it again, but it certainly doesn't compare with the original.

Phantom Menace is basically an introduction to new series of characters; or rather a look at the same characters as much younger figures, since it begins approximately 30 years or so before the original movie. Yoda, of course, appears precisely the same as we remember him, which is only to be expected. Since he was 900 years old in the original series, his relative youth of 870 years in this movie is not really noticeable. Frankly, he still doesn't look a day over 700.

Scottish actor Ewan MacGregor does a pretty good job as the young Obi-Wan. In addition to looking a bit like Alec Guinness, he also does a very good vocal homage to Guinness as well. For which I was thankful. After seeing MacGregor in other films, I didn't fancy the young Obi-Wan sounding like Mr. Scott. The idea of Obi-Wan spending two hours saying things like "Hoot, Mon! The poor bairn jus' needs a wee bi' o' haggis!" would be too much too bear. Instead we were treated to his pretty good Alec Guinness impersonation.  By the end of the movie we can also tell that he was definitely the one who trains Luke in the future.  Like his student, Obi-Wan has the disconcerting tendency to lose his light saber at inconvenient times.

On the other hand, Natalie Portman, who plays Queen Amidala, has apparently decided that, if less is more, then an expressionless monotone is as dramatic as you can get. Her constant "I must do what I can to save my people," is delivered with the same force and conviction I use when I say things like "I must check the mailbox." The most interesting things about her are the silly costumes George Lucas somehow conned her into wearing.

While all the other characters are dressed in relatively normal and sensible attire, Portman is forced into clothing that makes her look like some hideous geisha in the court of Nobunaga, as imagined by an LSD-crazed Walt Disney. While everyone else in her court is escaping the invasion dressed in reasonably sensible clothing, she is dragged through the combat zone while wearing a floor-length dress that resembles an art deco apartment building in Paris' 16th Arrondissement. At the same time, she appears to have Imperial German Field Marshal's batons hanging from her hair. Her dress and hair fixtures probably weigh more than an infantry field pack, while at the same time, having none of the field pack's utility or versatility.

You will, by the way, hate the character of Jar-Jar Binks. He is all the Ewoks rolled into one character. Frankly, the movie would have been vastly improved if the two Jedi, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn, had allowed him to die at the beginning of the movie. Or, better yet, killed him themselves. His only purpose in the movie is to provide some comic relief. Unfortunately, he doesn't. At least, not to anyone over the age of 8. There was one scene where it looked like Jar-Jar might be rendered unconscious. Sadly, he wasn't, and we were forced to deal with his smarmy presence for the entire movie.

Jar-Jar's presence is made worse by the fact that his accent is nearly incomprehensible. I have lived for years among heathen foreigners, so I am pretty good at ferreting out the meanings in their poorly pronounced English phrases. But, Jar-Jar overstrained my abilities. His accent resembles nothing so much as the pidgin English of a heavily stoned Rastafarian with a speech impediment.

The evil Darth Maul is an odd character. He doesn't actually have any lines to speak, so he compensates by slinking around and casting sneering, superior grins to all and sundry. He also has two alternate expressions: the sneering, superior grimace, and the sneering, superior look of surprise. On the other hand, he skulks and slinks very expressively, and is quite effective at trading sneering, superior, knowing glances at the few people he is allowed to interact with.  He also has a very cool light saber.

Liam Neeson is one of my favorite actors, but frankly, it looked like he was phoning in the Qui-Gon Jinn character. His main dialogue theme is "the living Force". Every time something happens in the movie, he goes of on one of his rambling "living Force" lessons. If robot soldiers are shooting him at, we have to hear a "living Force" lesson. If he is about to be suffocated by poison gas, we have to hear a "living Force" lesson. If his tea cools down too much while he eats a scone...well, you get the idea. By the end of the movie, every time he starts off with, "Well, the living Force...", you just want to say, "Yeah, whatever, dude. Why don't you just start blasting the living Force out of the bad guys, so we can see some action?"

The bad guys all appeared to have been on loan from the Tokyo office of the Greater South-East Asia Co-Prosperity Acting Guild. They are so "yellow peril" that one expects John Wayne to come striding across the screen at any moment in a reprise from his "Sands of Iwo Jima" days. The character Nute Gunray, evil Viceroy of the Trade Federation, is every "Tojo" impersonation Hollywood has ever done. "Oh, so solly, honolaber Queen Amadara. Prease accept peace tleaty to end our unfotunaht invasion of you honolaber pranet."

The Federation, by the way, does not use living soldiers.  They use highly sophisticated combat robots.  Unfortunately, the robots' sophistication does not seem to extend to an improvement in marksmanship abilities, since they are completely unable to hit any target except by unfortunate accident.  Also, they do not appear to have thought about communicating with each other by radio, so the command robots must issue verbal instructions to their subordinates.  Each of the robots obviously have radio, because they use it to receive instructions from their command ship, and they all have little antennas sticking out of their heads. But they don't use it between themselves.  The robots must find this awfully slow and inefficient, what with being computers and all. One would think that robots would use a more secure and instantaneous method of communication, but evidently not.

The movie is also filled with boring and inane political minutiae about the inner workings of the Republic. You see, the Grand Chancellor is really trying to stop the Trade Federation's blockade of Naboo. Unfortunately, he is constreauned buy hisd coivmnert affill;loiajhqw weoq;ADOVUBb

Oh. Sorry. Went face down in the keyboard there. Must not be getting enough sleep at night.

Another odd thing is the fact that young Annakin is discovered on the planet Tatooine, a planet to which we have been transported twice before.  Tatooine is always portrayed as being some isolated hick backwater.  Yet, at the same time, there's always some major and important plot activity happening there.  What's up with that?  It's like the fate of America being decided by important events in Critter Creek, Alabama.  It just doesn't happen.  Also, we know that, in the future, young Luke will be hidden from his father there.  Well, that doesn't seem like a very smart choice now.  I mean, if I were Darth Vader, I’d have at least looked in on the old folks at home to see if Luke was around.

Speaking of young Annakin, we have some odd stuff happening with him.  He is a young slave boy.  But it is a peculiar type of slavery.  Slavery on Tatooine seems to be a genteel, supportive slavery that allows its downtrodden victims full self-expression and self-actualization. 

Annakin is never in chains.  He appears to have free run of the city.  He has several friends his own age.  He and his mother have a three-bedroom apartment. This poor, pitiful, slave child seems to have obtained post-graduate degrees in both aeronautical engineering and computer science, after which, he found the time and money to build both a supersonic pod racer, and a humaniform robot with artificial intelligence, while holding down a full-time job as a stock boy in the Star Wars equivalent of a Checker Auto Parts store.  In his spare time, he has also evidently obtained a multiple-engine rating on his pilot's license.  And he's only 10 years old.  His mother, meanwhile, appears to have a home-based business repairing small appliances.  Their "slavery" appears to give them more leisure time and a higher standard of living than the average American single mother.

We do get to see the Jedi Council in operation.  There appear to be two main requirements for membership on the ruling body of the Jedi Knights.  First, one must have a full and powerful ability to use the Force.  Second, one must have an extremely odd shape to one's head.

We are supposed to be impressed by the Jedi Council, but the end of the movie amuses us amused by their apparent incompetence.  The entire Jedi Council does not want young Annakin to be trained as a Jedi.  As Obi-Wan says to Qui-Gon, "The entire Council senses that he is dangerous.  Why can't you see it?"  Yet, despite the fact that Yoda and the rest of the Council feel that Annakin should not be trained as a Jedi, they essentially say, "Oh, screw it.  Go ahead and teach him."  Which is just as well, because Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are going to train Annakin no matter what the Council says.  Apparently the great power of the Jedi Council is advisory, rather than supervisory.

Overall, it is a formulaic exercise, and unlike the original Star Wars, touches neither your emotions, not your intellect.

In any event, keep your expectations low, and you won't be disappointed.

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